August 5, 2018 @ 2:16 a.m.

It’s awful the way feelings can get you. A person could go about life just fine without them. Some folks do it for days or weeks at a time. Others can manage to pull that trick for months or even years. But eventually, those feelings will catch up to you. It’s the good ones that find a way to crack the shell of numbness – that safe barrier between yourself and genuine emotions. But once they get through the door, all the other feelings come flooding in too.

I carry around this fear that everyone I love will one day hate me – or worse, they will feel indifference towards me. I’ve believed that my loving someone or wanting something pushes them away, or makes my heart’s desire impossible. My desire is a curse. One day I’ll do something you think is weird, or gross, or just plain annoying. It could even be something I’ve done in front of you a hundred times before. But this time, it will bother you. That’s how it starts – when the “honeymoon” ends.

There are two things you can do with thoughts – you can either set them aside or deal with them. This is a thought that keeps coming back, so it’s one that must be dealt with. I must break this rule. If I can find enough exceptions to the rule, it no longer holds truth… much like drilling holes in a water bucket.

And there is another thought I must set aside. Nobody is coming to save me. I must put that fantasy out of my head. It doesn’t matter how loudly I scream. It doesn’t matter how many tears I cry. It doesn’t matter how deeply I hurt. Only I can save myself.

So when I scream, it will be to release my anguish. And when I cry, it will be tears to wash away the pain. When I hurt, it will serve as a reminder that something truly meaningful was lost – but also, to remember that to lose something of value means there was time I gained it to begin with.

One day, I will gain again.